1. Grief is probably the worst feeling in the world. It eclipses heartbreak, though I’m dealing with that alongside. Grief is all-consuming. It’s physical, although everyone grieves in their own way. I couldn’t get out of bed or work for a long time. This is a terminal disease I will live with until the day I die. Having to wake up everyday without him being in the world leaves me feeling truly hollow. I try not to think about it too deeply.
2. Time loses its meaning. I think of myself as having had two lives, the one I was living before all this, the one where I had a future with him, and this new, unfamiliar one I’ve been forced into. I don’t recognise myself in pictures from before. I relate everything back to how long it was before he died, or how long it’s been since. It’s almost been a year and that time has seemed to move both dauntingly fast and achingly slow.
3. When Jason died, a part of me went with him. The parts of me that were unsure of myself, indecisive, hesitant, anxious – they died with him. He left me with this incredible gift of confidence and free spiritedness that manifests from being loved so deeply. I’ve never felt anything like it. I will always be grateful to him for that, among many other things.
4. Relationships will change. Situations like this really show you who you can count on. I’ve had messages and support from people I would never have expected, people reach out to me who I haven’t spoken to in years, some I’ve never even met and some of the people I did expect it from, fell short. I don’t blame them. People don’t always know what to do in these situations. They know nothing they say could ever change the way you feel. Sometimes it’s just nice to know people are thinking of you. I’ve been lucky to have such amazing people in my life who have kept me busy in almost all of my free time, and I don’t think I’d have survived without them.
5. I’ve felt this fierce sense of urgency since he died. He was such a carefree human – crazy, spontaneous and delightfully unpredictable, but would’ve done anything for anyone. I’ve tried to inherit that mindset in my approach to life now. As hard as it is to face the world some days, as much as it makes my heart ache to the depths of my soul to think how he should be here with me doing all these things, I have to keep doing them and making as many memories as I can. I’m living for him now, just as much as for me.
