Slightly to my own surprise I turn out to have a lot of things to say about emotional life. If you have finished reading this post going “but what are my emotional needs?”, I wrote this post on how to figure that out. And this one on feelings that you can love and pat on the head affectionately but really don’t act on them.

I’ve had a huge amount of psychotherapy. I mean 20+ years. Sometimes people ask what I’ve learned from it and I totally freeze up and can’t think what to say. But then when I’m talking to a friend, I say something and they say “oh that is so wise” and I think oh yes that’s what I learned from therapy. I should write it somewhere.

So my idea is to do occasional posts where I explain one useful concept that I have learned from therapy.

Here is one that applies to me and loads of people I know. It’s something which, once I’ve explained it to people, I find they keep quoting back to me as they find different places where it works in their lives.

Don’t go to the shoe shop to buy plates.

what does that mean, Naomi?

it means: don’t keep going to someone who does not have what you need trying to get it from them.

My example of this in my life: my parents both grew up during the Second World War as Jewish people in Britain, and therefore they are/were1 both extremely anxious and any new development in life has always made them both first of all feel worried about what it means. I mean, they grew up literally with bombs dropping on their city and knowing that if the invading army managed to get a foothold in Britain they and their families would all be killed. So, I get it.

But what this means for me is that they are not the right people to go to when I get exciting work news. Or at least, they’re not my best first call. I remember when I first ever had a call from an agent who wanted to read my work, I called up my mum to tell her with great excitement and her response was “where are the car keys?” It turned out she had the car keys in her own pocket2.

For a long time I kept going to my parents for excitement about lovely work news. And they were never able to give it to me. And my big therapy realisation was, it wasn’t that they were withholding some excitement that they otherwise had within them. They really didn’t have it!

They didn’t have it in the same way that a shoe shop does not stock fragile Limoges porcelain. If you go to that shop looking for wonderful porcelain, you will always be disappointed.

two important things to recognise

• there are always other places to get wonderful porcelain.

• they might stock absolutely amazing shoes.

so: find other shops

The first point means: if you notice that your parents/partner/friend/colleague repeatedly simply cannot give you some emotional response you want or need to something that is happening in your life… Do not keep asking that same person for that thing. Don’t presume that they have it and are just refusing to give it to you. They don’t have it in the back room of the shop! They are the wrong kind of shop. But! Have a think about all the people you know and ask yourself which of your friends and/or acquaintances does find it easy to, for example be excited for you about your work news. And then make them the person you call when you need that. Just make sure that you go to the porcelain shop when you want the porcelain.

Some of this is what we might call emotional maturity or emotional adulthood. It’s noticing what your emotional needs actually are and then thinking carefully about how to get those needs met rather than just being trapped in bitterness, anger and resentment towards somebody who… just doesn’t stock that item.

and: enjoy what that shop does have in stock

The second point means: just because somebody is not the right person to call when you have exciting work news, that doesn’t mean that they have nothing to offer you. Probably, if they are your dear friend/partner/parent/sibling/colleague they do have many things that are wonderful that they do exceptionally well in their personality and in their way of relating to the world. My mum and dad were not the right people to take exciting work news to, but, for example, whenever I needed a bit of sympathy because I was feeling ill that was always available from them. And they were brilliant people to discuss all kinds of culture and current affairs with! I have friends who are amazing at being enthusiastic about my life and my news, but to whom I wouldn’t necessarily go to discuss Greek philosophy. I have other friends with whom I can talk about that kind of intellectual thing, but who might not be the person I’d want over to my house to support me in doing some very emotional decluttering.

Once you start thinking about the world this way, you can notice how rich and interesting your social circle is. And you can also start thinking things like: goodness I wish I had someone with whom to discuss my love of French culture, or who was really good at talking about grief, or who also shares my sadness about certain kinds of childhood experience, or who also wants to go Morris dancing. And then when you’re looking out for that, just like when you’re looking out for anything, you are much much more likely to find it.

is this just ‘using people’?

I mean it is if you make it like that. And probably talking about shops makes it sound a bit more like that than it really is. Relationships aren’t actually purchased, they must be given generously or they don’t work at all.

But the answer is no. It’s a metaphor. It’s just a way of saying: no one is going to be able to give you everything, and that’s not because you’ve done anything wrong by wanting it or they’ve done anything wrong by not having it. We evolved to go around in bands of about 150 people3. That’s probably about as many as you need to be able to find a sympathetic ear for whatever it is, or to talk about or do any interest you have. There is a huge parade of shops available.

And! It’s not instrumental because other people are looking for you too. You too have much to offer. But: not everything. And realising that is often a GREAT relief. I am not the right friend to go ice-skating or camping with, and everything is better if I don’t pretend I am.

The world is full of amazing people. Whatever you’re looking for, I am certain that there is a shop that stocks it. You just have to stop badgering the people in the cheese shop to sell you a guitar, or asking the people in the music shop to sell you a ripe Stilton. Or turning up at the counter of a lovely shoe shop shouting at them for not having any crockery.

If you liked this post, do give it a like. It helps other people find it.

Below the line, 17 free or not-too-expensive things that have brought me disproportionate joy this month including: a brilliant new logic game, my favourite bag (which was also Nora Ephron’s favourite bag and it’s not what you think), and a YouTube video that brings me delight every time I see it.