Core Style & Relationship Dynamics
While everyone has a “core style” — the attachment style we naturally gravitate toward — the dynamics within a relationship can shift dramatically depending on the circumstances.
For example, when an anxious and an avoidant person interact, the result can be a passionate yet tumultuous relationship with a “come here, go away” dynamic. This is a scenario we often see in movies because it’s entertaining and oh-so-dramatic — perfect for the big screen.
But let’s be real: This kind of drama gets old fast in real life.
I quickly identified my core style as anxiously-attached. But, I also realized that with some securely attached men I had dated, I had behaved in a very avoidant way. My “gut” would tell me I wasn’t attracted to them, so I would unconsciously push them away—sabotaging yet another secure connection.
What I discovered is that I was drawn to avoidant men because part of me craved the push-and-pull dynamic I was familiar with. What I thought was “chemistry” was actually my anxious attachment style being triggered, creating a dysregulated nervous system.
I was addicted to the drama.
Through my personal experience and the experiences of hundreds of my clients, I’ve learned something important: The more attracted you are to someone, the more “anxious” you may feel—even if you have a secure attachment style.
Even if you generally feel secure in relationships, a particular person can bring out an anxious dynamic within you. This doesn’t change your core attachment style, but rather, it reveals a triggering dynamic specific to that relationship.
This is where things can get confusing.
The authors of Attached categorize people into three distinct attachment styles, with only 3-5% being a blend of all of them. However, from my experience, many people find themselves identifying as “mixed” because they can relate to different attachment styles depending on the particular relationship dynamic.
That’s why I emphasize that while we all have a “core style”, other styles can get triggered depending on the dynamics of a specific relationship, a certain person, or a major event, like a breakup or divorce.
