TL;DR: was feeling confident enough to go to a party but got a panic attack there. Thought I was going to fail and run away, but managed to sit with my feelings for a bit and stick around. It’s been super nice so far, we’ll see how it goes.
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I had a panic attack standing in the party alone, so I ran here. I was going to leave the party, but I’m pushing myself to stay a little longer, at least to explore how I feel, how my anxiety manifests and what are the triggers that make me feel this kind of dread.
I’m actually coming back to this party. It’s my cousin’s birthday, and my family works with events so they tent to throw huge parties. It was supposed to start at 7pm, so I planned to come here at around 6h40 just to wish him happy birthday while no one was here yet, and then sneak out somehow.
I managed to do that beautifully, got in and got out without feeling too triggered. But for some reason I was feeling a huge urge to stay there, to challenge myself a little further (as I usually don’t even do this on my family’s birthdays) and maybe even enjoy the party. It felt possible, and I wanted to do it.
So I got home, got ready, and went back still feeling pretty good, although with a little bit of fear creeping in. I arrived still pretty confident, with my chest high hearing the muffled sound of music from the outside as I approached the party.
I got in and felt like I was slowly being consumed by fear and anxiety. The venue was packed now. Walking past people I didn’t know was bad enough, but seeing people I knew but haven’t seen in years is fucking terrifying. I try not to make eye contact with some of them, but feel comfortable enough to approach some old friends who I used to be closer with. It’s nice, and they greet me with enthusiasm and warmth. It feels really nice, but just for a short while.
I still got overwhelmed and had to sneak out. I stopped myself from leaving and went to the bathroom to take a break.
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Edit: I went back out there and saw my cousin again. He was super chill and cheerful and we kept talking for way longer than I expected. It was wholesome af. Now I see how I usually have super low expectations and a rock bottom self-esteem. For some reason I was expecting him to be rude and condescending to me (which he never ever was. He is always super kind to me when we meet, probably the kindest person in the world to me. I’m tearing up realizing this. I managed to burn pretty much all of my bridges, even with him, but he is usually the only person who calls me on my birthday, and I feel his warmth when he talks to me).
Now I’m fucking crying by myself out here. But happy crying, for once. I got too anxious again in the middle of all those people, but this time I just stepped outside to get some air and some space instead of going off to hide or trying to run away to safety. I feel a little more confident to go back in there this time.
