I am a current freshman at Fordham University (Rose Hill) in New York City. When applying to college, I had 3 at the top of my list: Syracuse, GW, and Fordham. I got into all 3 schools, but Fordham was the most affordable, so I chose to go here. I was so excited from the moment I decided and until when I got here. I couldn’t wait to live in NYC and go to a well-known and respected school, since nobody in my family has gone to college before. Over the past few months my feelings have changed drastically and it has been a struggle.
I was extremely optimistic the first few weeks of school and thought I was doing great, but somehow things fell apart. I’m in a forced triple dorm, and feel like I can never get comfortable in my room, especially since I am not really close with my roommates. My hallway is very quiet, there was never any instance of everyone having their doors open and introducing themselves, which is strange because other dorms are not this way. I feel like the time to make friends in the dorm has past and since nobody is really being open anymore, that opportunity is over.
I changed my major a few weeks into school as well. I was originally in the Gabelli school of Business, but realized I’m not that interested in business and would rather do Political Science and Communications (double major). My parents really did not want me to switch, but I did it anyway. I am hopeful that my new plan will improve my life at school, since I will take classes that I’m more interested in. However, I feel like people look down on me for being a communications major and switching out of the business school, both in my family and at school.
I joined club rowing at school and really liked it. I thought the sport was fascinating, the workouts were challenging, and regattas were fun. But the team was turning out to be a very bad influence on me. Every time we had a break or day off, they would binge drink all night, even if we had practice the next day. I felt like the only way the team ever got together and bonded was when we were all trashed and not thinking clearly. I hated it, and the group could tell I was not having as much fun as everyone else. I tried to bond with the guys, but the only topics of conversation we have are about sex or drinking. It seems so immature and boring to me, I want real relationships with people. I decided to quit rowing and not do it again next semester because I felt like if I am not bonding well with the team, there is no point to wake up at 5 AM, do a hard workout, go through classes and then go to sleep early everyday. I wish it was different and I felt more inclined to stay on the team, but I felt like I was losing my authentic self by being around those people.
A major issue for me this semester has been my mental health. Over the course of a few weeks, I have been struggling with feelings of anxiety, which has never been a problem for me before. I would wake up in the morning in a feeling of panic, not related to anything in particular. Sometimes I would start shaking in the middle of the night, other times I would throw up from being so nervous about trivial things like a crew workout or worrying about getting enough sleep at night. I ended up talking to my parents about it and crying on the phone, which really set them off because I never do that. I told them how anxious and lonely I’ve been feeling, and that I hate college so far. I am going to get help on thanksgiving break from my doctor. I feel like this all arose from the feelings of isolation and loneliness I’ve been having, and I’m not sure how to fix it now that these feelings of anxiety are making me want to isolate myself even more.
I feel very isolated and lost. I have some friends, but feel like I have not gotten really close with anyone. The friends I am “close” with arent ones I see myself being friends with for the long term. I keep trying to remember how much I loved Fordham before I came here, but I cant help but feel like I made a mistake. I keep thinking of how I wish I could have gone to Syracuse, but I just couldnt afford it. I know its bad to have these thoughts but I cant help it.
My parents said if I transfer, I will only be able to go to Rutgers. Thats fine, but its not something I’m particularly excited or happy to do. The option to go to Syracuse or GW are gone, since I lost any type of scholarship opportunity I had at those schools. I might try and convince my parents to let me apply to Delaware in addition to Rutgers, because I liked the atmosphere of the school. I keep on thinking maybe I should transfer, be closer to home, and see more people I know, but I do not want to give up on Fordham. I worked hard to get here and dont want to throw it all away. I know this is wrong to say, but I fear I will look like a failure if I switch to a school back home. I need some advice, and Im happy to hear anyones thoughts on how I can improve my situation. Thank you for reading
